Once you're fairly confident that you've got your human trained, you need to keep them on their toes in order to remain succesful.

Follow this guide and you can't go wrong....

  "Accidents, Strategic Use of" - There are two main kinds of accidents: (1)The Reminder Accident - always place this near a poorly maintained litterbox. After a couple of these, your humans will rush to keep your box fresh and inviting. (2) The Political/Philosophical Accident - Sometimes (when your humans have been on vacation, ignored you, brought a strange child into your home, or said "no" once too often), a cat simply has to make a statement. In these extreme cases, we recommend the "P/P Accident", preferably in a corner, in a running shoe, or on the TV Guide.

  "Antiques" - With a little effort, you can demonstrate your interest in various human pursuits, such as antiques. Truly interesting antiques have bumps, nicks, marks, and scratches. This is where you can help considerably. If it's made of cloth, you can wrinkle, soak, soil, or shred it; if it's wood, you can nick or scratch it; if it's ceramic, one good shove can often provide both chips and cracks. After you've offered only one such treatment, your humans will lavish attention on you if you so much as look at the item with interest again.

  "Ignoring Distressed Humans" - Periodically, your humans will get upset - don't worry why. Upset humans can aggravate their condition by repeating certain phrases, including "Heere, kitty, kitty", "No. I said no!", "Stop that now, and "Get off! The experienced cat never responds to these phrases, because doing so would only encourage their use and extend your human's distress. When you hear these (or similar) phrases, disappear, bite, or go selectively deaf.

  "Biting" - Most humans hate biting. They see it as a form of attack, rather than the effective communicating tool it really is. When you're tired of being petted, for example, you can quickly end the session with a well-placed bite. Remember: humour your humans whenever you can, but when biting seems called for, be incisive. Don't debate: bite!

  "Cat Carriers" - Carriers are bad news, and should be avoided at all costs. A carrier usually means flea dips, vacation trips, or vets. Carriers made of carbdboard should be eaten immediately. Carriers made of plastic or metal can also be escaped from - remember, no carrier can take you away if you're not in it. The key is to practice avoidance. First, any cat can hear the soft thud/clink of a quietly opened carrier (with practice, you can even hear your humans thinking about opening the carrier). When you hear carrier noises, disappear immediately. If this fails, demonstrate your ability to defy the laws of physics: try (1) "the expanding universe" - swell up to eight times your normal size. (2) "The four-squared hypotenuse - extend and lock all four legs to exceed the area of the carrier door (also called the "spread-eagle" defense). (3) "the dead-weight drop" - when you're being stuffed in, suddenly shift your body weight to the part of you that your humans are not holding. You'll be free and on your feet in no time flat.

  "Exercises" - Our good health results from two factors: we're very selective in our diet, and we get enough exercise. A good, comprehensive exercise program contains the following: (1) "Acrobatics" - leap or climb to the top of the highest piece of furniture available and dive into a chair. (2) "Drapery Rappelling" - claws extended, race as quickly as you can up one drape, run across the curtain rod or valance, and back down the other drape, paw over paw. (If you yowl loudly, you won't be annoyed by the sometimes harsh ripping sound accompanying this exercise). (3) "Furniture Steeplechase" - when no human is present, leap from chair to chair, possibly adding a detour to the mantle for variety. This exercise is especially rewarding when your human makes it into a game by trying to pick you up. In that case, run under a chair. Wait. When your human gets down in position to grab you, run under the next chair or table, and so on. (4) "People Slalom" - without breaking stride, run several times (in random order) around the ankles of all the people in the room.

  "Food and Unfood: How to tell the Difference" - Food is anything you want to eat (the centerpiece, your human's favourite book, your human's dessert, and, of course, fresh cat food at least eight times per day). Unfood is anything you don't want to eat, especially when it is in your dish. When you're alone and discover something that smells tasty, be quick and be quiet. When you're fed some unfood, publicly and ceremoniously bury it (as you would something nasty in your litterbox) under anything convenient. If nothing is handy, and trained humans are present, pantomine your reaction for at least five minutes. With any luck they'll get the point and give you some food.

  "Fur Balls" - A good rule-of-paw when tossing up furballs: use the living room rug sparingly, perhaps for one furball in four. Other good spots include on the bed, on business papers, in briefcases, in lingerie drawers, and in the middle of a party.

  "Gifts" - From time to time, your humans will bring you little gifts (you will probably loathe them, but it's the thought that counts). Since cats are unfailingly gracious, you will wish to return this favour. Of all the gifts you could select, I most strongly recommend the dead rodent. On the one hand, it shows you took considerable trouble to surprise them. On the other hand, should they not need it right then, you're still ahead. Bon appetit!

  "Hair, shedding of" - Successful shedding is an art and a science. Shedding on fabric the same colour as you are is wasted effort. If your coat is light, head for the navy or black blazer; if you're dark-haired, go for the white sofa. If you're multi-coloured, release contrasting fur.

  "Scratching Posts: What are they for?" - I have heard an ugly rumour that scratching posts - pieces of wood with garish synthetic carpet - are intended for us. Sure, some people are dumb, but could they be that dumb? Why buy more things to scratch? Haven't they done enough by providing sofas, draperies, bedspreads, and expensive rugs? We don't know know what scratching posts are for, but they're not for us. Please, in the name of decency, do nothing to deface these art objects. We think humans worship them.

  "Toilet Paper, tricks with" - Toilet paper is the ultimate cat toy. Get up on your hind legs and pull, bat, or otherwise unroll the paper for hours of aerobic fun. Or take the leading edge in your teeth and see how far you can run without tearing the paper. The record is 247 feet, but there was no carpet in that arena. With modifications, the same holds true for paper towels.